Jokes told to me

  • Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? -- She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills!

  • Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.

  • They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

  • Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
    A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

  • A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

  • Q: I go in hard, come out soft but i never mind if you want to blow me. What am I?
    A: Chewing gum.

  • Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

  • If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

  • Q: Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store?
    A: She heard you could get thinner there.

  • These are almost as bad as your master skills.

  • This post is deleted!

  • @swatllama No probllama.

  • Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?

  • Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
    A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

  • TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into your friends’ house and your wifi connects automatically.
    FAKE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a friends’ house and your girlfriends’ wifi connects automatically.

  • Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But,smoking bacon will cure it.

  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

  • Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

  • The Energizer Bunny was arrested and charged with battery:rabbit:

  • Error! No keyboard. Press F1 to continue. :keyboard:

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