Lame jokes here:


  • Masters

    Pish.... get real FFS

    Noli nothis permittere te terere

    -1


  • How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. That’s a hardware issue.

    Ne cede malis

    4


  • An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each take turn to try and bag it.

    The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.

    The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineers pad and book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he’s ready, he takes aim, and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.

    The statistician leaps in the air shouting, “We got it!”

    Ne cede malis

    3


  • To an optimist, the glass is half full.

    To a pessimist, the glass is half empty.

    To an engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

    Ne cede malis

    3


  • On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

    The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.

    Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly shouts, "STOP! I think i see what your problem is..."

    Ne cede malis

    2




  • Dutch Railways today:

    "There are no trains running today. Please postpone your journey if possible."

    The real joke is of course that I've been waiting outside for my train for 1.5 hours in minus 5 degrees Celsius.



  • @SerpensSolidus said in Lame jokes here::

    Dutch Railways today:

    "There are no trains running today. Please postpone your journey if possible."

    The real joke is of course that I've been waiting outside for my train for 1.5 hours in minus 5 degrees Celsius.

    smart phone. twitter, facetube, no other use.

    "It was Back Door Sluts # 9." (The Return of the Fellowship of the ring to the Two Towers)

    0

  • Masters

    My friend tried to annoy be with bird puns the other day...
    Then I realized, Toucan play at that game.



  • @Øwl i feel it should be "Toucan play this/that game"


  • Masters

    @Shikijo I wonder if this is like a dialect thing lol. It sounds normal to say "at that" to me. You Canadians use fancy english 😂😉



  • @Øwl using "at" here disrupts the rhythm of the joke reducing its effectiveness! D: I am just worried about the health of the jokes xD


  • Masters

    @Shikijo That's funny!! IncAmerica, atleast the west coast anyways, the saying is "two can play at that game" I think it's just something changed by geographic locations perhaps



  • I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.



  • What’s the hardest part about skydiving? The ground.


  • Masters

    I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. He cried. Then he hugged my sister & me.

    I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

    Never ask for the ‘High Five’ from a short person, you can ask for a ‘Low Five’!


  • Masters

    Bourbon join Fitz Fokker in the iggy bin... jeez you guys suck!

    Noli nothis permittere te terere

    -4

  • Masters

    When I went to the store the other day a man threw milk, cream, and butter at me! How dairy.


  • Masters

    Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.


  • Masters

    For all the musicians who play Sauer:

    Did you hear about the lead guitarist who got in a car accident? His guitar was pretty beat up. The accident was a Fender bender.


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