I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

If Teflon is non-stick, how do you stick Teflon to a pan?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

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The Energizer Bunny was arrested and charged with battery

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But,smoking bacon will cure it.

TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into your friends’ house and your wifi connects automatically.
FAKE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a friends’ house and your girlfriends’ wifi connects automatically.

Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.